Step 1: Productivity (Let me teach you to procrastinate)

Jasmine’s guide begins now. 

I think if someone were to document each and every blog I have ever started the ground would crack open and swallow me whole. 

But no, not with this blog. 

Never again will I demonstrate my shocking commitment issues. No. I’m in this for the long run. 

(TRANSLATION: I’m going to post irregularly and act as though people are actually waiting for the content I unleash into the wild)

Yes, I like to think I’m more important than I actually am.

Good job, Jasmine. Win them over with your stunning personality.

Okay, moving on. I believe guides have steps…or a display of numbers next to a set of tips. So I shall follow accordingly.

STEP 1: Productivity does increase with pressure.  However, you will be condemned to a life of chronic procrastination if you follow this step. So, just as a side note…don’t follow this step.

I like to think that I produce my best work when I’m placed under pressure. Not a really good mindset to have, considering the fact that as I am typing this I really should be writing an essay on ‘the extent to which Stalinism is totalitarianism’.  But screw it. I have chosen this disastrous path and will continue it anyway.

It must be the adrenalin or something.

Can someone who knows science please enlighten me? I do not science. Really funny considering the fact that I want to do engineering and that involves the two subjects I am absolutely rubbish at. Like Maths…what is maths? I honestly sit there sometimes wondering why I do it. Or why I’m forced to do it. Like, yeah, sure, I can calculate some things now but why? And I have this conversation with my dad a lot and it goes a little something like this:

Me: Dad, I just don’t see the point in doing maths.

Dad: Because everything is based off it. Like you’ve got your buildings...words…words…words…waxing poetic about the greatness of the subject continues…words…words…words…

Me: …Yeah…but I don’t have to do that stuff. Like the world has people who do that already. So why do I have to sit through it?

And then the conversation ends.

No, not really.

Then he proceeds to tell me off for my blasé attitude.

But you know what, it’s true, for a high schooler it’s basically useless.

In some lucky countries you get to choose ‘streams’ to go down, rather than suffer through all the subjects. And don't give me that shit about coming out a more rounded human being. If I wanted to become a more rounded human being I'd travel the world and try to learn about each and every culture and learn to love all the nuances that make that culture what it is. And, whilst I'm at it, be hit in the face - like a wrecking ball- by the fact that I am disgustingly privileged. Not sit around and choose to dibble and dabble in different subjects. Rant over. That wasn't the point. My friend was telling me that her parents could choose the science stream or the maths stream (those two may have been combined but imagine the horror if it was so I like to think they were/are separated) or the arts/english stream.

I’d probably be in the arts/english stream tbh.

Actually, you know what’s great? These conversations:

Mum: Why did you have to do that?

Me: Mum…I’m an artiste.

Yeah, I love it. Shuts down the conversation every time.

But back to the original topic. Procrastination. Because I am not going to give you tips on productivity. You can read this, learn from me, and proceed to do the opposite of what I do.

When I procrastinate I like to use the internet to deviate as far away from my original task as possible, as any seasoned procrastinator does.

Like say google search ‘Iain de Caestecker Tumblr’

With this choice I won't come across stuff that is unrelated to my search topic.

That boy…just…be still...my beating heart. 

Side note: Iain De Caestecker fans

Or read fanfiction. Steve/Tony AO3, I’m looking at you #stonyislyfe #stonyisreal

Or just youtubing random shit. I kid you not, spent a good hour watching Ricky Gervais videos. He’s hilarious.

You know what's scary to see when you're procrastinating. This: 

But other than that…see even when I procrastinate it’s boring.

My goal in life is to read every single one of these fics.

You know how when you’re with your friends and you laugh about how crazy you guys are and how as a group of friends you should all have your own reality tv show?

Yeah, besides the fact that eventually that path only has a massive stamp of inevitable doom slashed across it, in hindsight you’re probably not that funny.

See, I realised this the easy way.

When you’re television show flops you’ll be learning that the hard way.

This is what the show would have been called. 

Like let’s be honest here, there’s a reason why we are the average folk and the Kardashian clan Klan are the Kardashian Klan and not a bunch of nameless rich people. But since we are being honest, the vision of the future would take a disastrous turn towards the realms of dystopic and mildly apocalyptic if we were all like them. 

I’m sorry. 

That was bad. 

I’m jumping on the bandwagon here. I haven’t even watched a season of the show. No…but really. We all know why people watch it. For this man:

And on that note, I’m going to leave this here. Just end it…with that face.  And sign off with this:

Live long… and maybe one day you’ll prosper.